Back to the BLOG release

Maybe a bit depressing but I find it hard to be at my mom's without blogging a little to release some of the tension, guilt, and frustrations in dealing with a sick person. This probably won't be for the weak to read.

I got back to Ohio on Saturday night. Mom was, of course, much worse than when I was here 9 days ago. She is in bed now and doesn't get up. She is on moriphine to keep her resting well. Still no pain but a little anxious without meds. She was bad. Sunday morning, I went in to give her meds and she was somewhat awake. When I say awake, I mean her eyes were open but had that glazed over look. She doesn't respond. I hugged her and told her how much I love her. I had my face down next to hers and she lifted her arm as if she were hugging me. It lasted for only a brief second or two and then it was over. She basically sleeps all the time. We go in every couple of hours to roll her over in the bed and prop her sides with pillows and give meds.

Today was really bad. We called the Hospice nurse because her breathing was loud and short. While we were waiting on the nurse, she started making some rasping sounds. She did it again when the nurse came and the nurse said this was the throat sounds that come when we are close to death. It was a horrible sound. Like she was drowning on water. Rhonda and I both spent most of the afternoon crying. It is horrible. We have decided to call tomorrow to put her in the Hospice House which is like a hospital for Hospice patients. The lady today said she should only last a couple of days but it is hard to tell because mom's heart is in such good shape.

My feelings are mixed. I am still angry that we are sitting here in her home waiting for her to die. I wonder when she gets to the other side, will she be angry that I didn't fight more? I am mad at myself for not finding out what her favorite color is and what were the happiest times of her life. I am sad that I will never be able to pick up the phone and call her to ask about an old recipe I had forgotten or share the birth of a grandchild or any good news or bad news. She has always been there for me to share my life with. I am grateful I have been able to help take care of her during these last few weeks. I am grateful that I have a wonderful family to support me and encourage me. I am grateful to have had a wonderful mother who sacrificed time, money, friends, everything for her children - and she didn't regret it. She was hurt so much in life. My dad left her with 4 kids to raise on her own and he didn't pay child support. As I posted before, she never got over him. He was verbally abusive but she loved him. She loved like no one I have ever met. She was treated unfairly in her job and took a job 2 hours from her home in order to provide for Rhonda. She has suffered terribly the last two years from the loss of a grandson and the hurt and pain her son was going through. She helped raise one grandson for about three years. She babysat two grandchildren full time. She took care of her sister through many surgerys. She lived with knee pain for over 5 years before having her knees replaced. She lost her mother, father, sister, the father of her children, and her grandson. Throughout her life, her faith has remained strong and her love for her family has been never-ending.

No Photos Please

I don't really feel this way. I keep forgetting to bring my camera to Ohio with me. Yesterday would have been a good day to have Mr. Cannon with me. My mom was up early and after we got her a shower, she looked so beautiful. I should have captured that moment. She had friends from work over (they brought her lunch) and then fell asleep around noon. The rest of the day was spent sleeping on the couch. Rhonda came in around 9 and got her to eat a few bites of Strawberry Shortcake (yum, she brought me some too). Then it was off to bed. She was a little agitated, she couldn't sit down on the toilet. I was trying to help when she said, "YOU --- HAVE ---B--O --- WHEN YOU ARE SITTING DOWN" being a little self conscience I smelled my arm pits and even my sister smelled my armpits and I DID NOT STINK! We did have a good laugh (me and Rhonda) after that. She woke up this morning feeling very tired. She went to the bathroom and I changed her sheets and she went right back to bed.

One great moment, when she woke up at 5:30, I went and asked what she wanted and she asked me if I wanted to lay with her. I spent about a half hour beside her. The little girl came out in me again, wanting her to take care of me instead of the horible reversal. Thirty minutes and I got up and gave Rhonda a few of those precious moments.

I have a feeling today won't be as good as yesterday.

The Harwards are coming, The HARWARDS are coming!

Yes, I mean the Harwards, not the Brittish. I am excited to see them this weekend. Grandkids are one of the best blessings in my life. I loved and love being a mom but those little ones really give me joy that I can't explain. Over the past several years, when times are really hard, I think of those little ones that call me Nana and it makes the hard times worth it. I feel so blessed to be Nana.

On a much more serious note, my mom continues to decline at a very rapid rate. We are most certain she won't last the two to three months the doctor predicted 9 days ago. She is sleeping 22 hours or more a day, is still in no pain, hasn't eaten more than 10 bites for the past 3 days, and most of the time she speaks jibberish.

My mom and I went to the New England states in October so for Christmas I gave her a little photo album with pictures from our trip and in the back gave her a coupon to go to Branson this summer. The two places she wanted to go before she died. We won't make it to Branson and I am sad I didn't take her last summer. I have great memories of my mom and feel so lucky to have a mom who was willing so sacrifice so much for her family.

Short story for my kids. Granny married my dad when she was just 17. Through all of the hard times and his alcoholism she never stopped loving my dad. I have very few good memories of my dad but if my mom could talk now, she would say she still loved him. In a short time she will be able to be with my dad, her 'true love'. She will also see her parents, sister, her grandson and many others who loved her and whom she loved. I have to be happy for her yet I will miss her. I am selfish.

This week with Granny

Okay, no news, no change.

We have Hospice coming in once a week (or as needed). Mom is not in pain. She sleeps most of the day. She is awake about 3 hours a day and about 1 hour of that time is in a semi-confused state. The other two hours she is just confused.

The last two days she has eaten very little. When I say that, it is 2PM and she ate about 1 cup of fresh fruit today. Yesterday, 1/2 cup pasta with alfredo sauce, cantalope, and about 4 bites of Cheerios.

She keeps asking if she is getting stronger and why won't the doctors do surgery. She is wanting surgery so bad. It is heartbreaking. I can't tell her that she is too bad for surgery so I just tell her she needs to get stronger. She doesn't know that the doctors have given up on her.

I am in an angry phase. We live in the United States of America for goodness sakes. Do people really lay in their homes and wait to die without medical people doing all they can to save them? It seems crazy to me. I feel like we should be working like all get out to find someone to help us but every door closes. I can't imagine two or three months like this last month.

I am going home tomorrow for a week of feeling guilty that I am not here and when I am here I feel guilty I am not home.

O-H-I-O

Ohio again. Been here since Monday night. We took mom to the doctor on Tuesday. They sent her to the hospital for another MRI of the brain. She is very confused most of the time. The MRI showed no cancer in the brain. We were basically told of our options but since we can't find a doctor to do the surgery, we have called Hospice. Hard choices, tough.

Tonight, we put mom to bed and I was getting ready to eat when we heard her fall out of bed. We found her laying face down on the floor. She cried and said, "Why do I keep messing things up?" I had to cry. She was just trying to go to the bathroom.

No one can prepare you for this. It is heart breaking to watch your mom go through this. She cried today and said, "Kathy, you shouldn't have to clean up your mom like this." I reassured her that she would do it for me. An hour later she started talking about a 'shoat' or something like that in her bed. I guess a shoat is a baby pig. She laughed a few times today. She hasn't done that for a couple of weeks.

She is also frustrated with the doctors. She knows she was supposed to already have the surgery. She just wants that cancer out. I wonder if everyone hits one brick wall after another when faced with something like this?