Back to the BLOG release

Maybe a bit depressing but I find it hard to be at my mom's without blogging a little to release some of the tension, guilt, and frustrations in dealing with a sick person. This probably won't be for the weak to read.

I got back to Ohio on Saturday night. Mom was, of course, much worse than when I was here 9 days ago. She is in bed now and doesn't get up. She is on moriphine to keep her resting well. Still no pain but a little anxious without meds. She was bad. Sunday morning, I went in to give her meds and she was somewhat awake. When I say awake, I mean her eyes were open but had that glazed over look. She doesn't respond. I hugged her and told her how much I love her. I had my face down next to hers and she lifted her arm as if she were hugging me. It lasted for only a brief second or two and then it was over. She basically sleeps all the time. We go in every couple of hours to roll her over in the bed and prop her sides with pillows and give meds.

Today was really bad. We called the Hospice nurse because her breathing was loud and short. While we were waiting on the nurse, she started making some rasping sounds. She did it again when the nurse came and the nurse said this was the throat sounds that come when we are close to death. It was a horrible sound. Like she was drowning on water. Rhonda and I both spent most of the afternoon crying. It is horrible. We have decided to call tomorrow to put her in the Hospice House which is like a hospital for Hospice patients. The lady today said she should only last a couple of days but it is hard to tell because mom's heart is in such good shape.

My feelings are mixed. I am still angry that we are sitting here in her home waiting for her to die. I wonder when she gets to the other side, will she be angry that I didn't fight more? I am mad at myself for not finding out what her favorite color is and what were the happiest times of her life. I am sad that I will never be able to pick up the phone and call her to ask about an old recipe I had forgotten or share the birth of a grandchild or any good news or bad news. She has always been there for me to share my life with. I am grateful I have been able to help take care of her during these last few weeks. I am grateful that I have a wonderful family to support me and encourage me. I am grateful to have had a wonderful mother who sacrificed time, money, friends, everything for her children - and she didn't regret it. She was hurt so much in life. My dad left her with 4 kids to raise on her own and he didn't pay child support. As I posted before, she never got over him. He was verbally abusive but she loved him. She loved like no one I have ever met. She was treated unfairly in her job and took a job 2 hours from her home in order to provide for Rhonda. She has suffered terribly the last two years from the loss of a grandson and the hurt and pain her son was going through. She helped raise one grandson for about three years. She babysat two grandchildren full time. She took care of her sister through many surgerys. She lived with knee pain for over 5 years before having her knees replaced. She lost her mother, father, sister, the father of her children, and her grandson. Throughout her life, her faith has remained strong and her love for her family has been never-ending.